Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
A deaf accountant works for the mafia.
One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, boss wants to know where it is." Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about." Translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" Translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" Translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about." The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table, and points a gun to the accountants head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here." Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "He said go fuck yourself."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
No text found
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired…
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
