Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
For Hispanic attacks
Makes you an eighth theist.
Looking at it now, I see why.
He said it was a little plane
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
No text found
My Korea is over
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
Yes, we arson.
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
Me: sipping toast Why?
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
Then I’ll see what happens
There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
And boy, are my arms Thor!
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"