Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
A pregnant woman walks into a bank
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene. The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet. So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says ‘mum I’ve just peed out a bullet’ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says ‘mum you’ll never guess what’ which she replies with ‘let me guess you peed out a bullet’ which he replies with ‘no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog’.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
A Winter War joke
A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence. After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!" The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet. The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys: "It's a trap! There are two Finnish soldiers!!"
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
No text found
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
