Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasnât unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnât know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, âHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?â He hadnât and said so. Then she said, âTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheâs really doing.â Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. âWell, is she selling drugs?â she asked excitedly.â âNo, sheâs not.â he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. âWell, what is it, then?â his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. âHer name is Sally and sheâs selling batteries.â âBatteries?â cried the wife. âYes,â he replied. âShe sells C cells by the Seashore.â
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I canât find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
People who donât eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
3 rednecks were working on a cell tower…
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
TIL that before the crowbar was inventedâŠ
…most crows drank at home.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, âWe donât serve time travelers in here.â A time traveler walks into a bar.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
Our friend Chuck hasnât contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because thatâs where you hit your balls
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material…
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
What is Yodaâs preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
Whatâs the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. đ
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. Â "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. Â One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" Â "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. Â "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. Â "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. Â "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, itâs tulips on an organ.