Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
…that's Hawai'i roll…
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
now it's a disapointsettia.
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
Then I had a change of heart
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
It was two tired
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
“You’re much bigger than that.”
They said "Almond."
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
So you can always count on me.
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
A cold shoulder.
Is sphere itself
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
I don’t even touch it
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You have my Word!
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."