“Woah can you hack my friend’s Instagram?”
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
Eerily familiar plot
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
Finding for the actual answer
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
What sort algorithm is this?
The sad fucking truth
Hahaha, wife no talking
I regret not bringing my laptop to school
Should I Create a New Issue?
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
Holy shit that’s boomer as fuck
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Irony Flashback 2/14/1998
Next Level . Being safe at work
These ads are pretty ruthless
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
Fixed it for you lads
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Lisa gets it
Nightmare at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
Maybe Maybe Maybe
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
Found on r/pcmasterace
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
Always just before I’m going to stop for the day
Everyone hates Socialism until the government starts handing out checks
Dads are like boomerangs
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocado’s number
print(“Well, at least I thought it was funny…”)
Galaxy go vroom vroom
Just a thought
I have a scary math joke
But I’m 22 to say it 🙁
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
He will never QUANTUM
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
What do you call a nose with no body?
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
– Why didn’t I flinch?
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Conservative subreddit conspiracies this week
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
How to explain phase changes
Dad of the Year
Uncle always posts this kinda stuff
Ahaaa…uh oh, not again
Not found: An Interesting Title
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
I doubt this will go…viral
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!