#karmawinsagain i love karma 😌
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
i think i’m part of the demographic that made yellow paint a thing
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."