Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I’m looking for a turn-off.”
I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Saw this at the grocery store after the Kellogg’s comment
Saw this at the grocery store after the Kellogg’s comment
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs