Keeping the competitors busy
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
https://ift.tt/2pC1ZBB
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
![[NSFW] Too many men, very less time!](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/010dqvpm9xh31-400x385.jpg)
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
An airplane was about to crash..
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
The farmer and his wife needed a new bull…
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
