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I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.