kemist
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
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Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.