Kemistri

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

and people are lined up for blocks.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

But hey, it puts food on the table.

I told him it’s easy as pi

Because it got mugged

I will not die in vein!

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"

A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)

He refused, because the steaks were too high.

People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!

….no seriously, you’ve got to.

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

I hate knight shifts.

It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.

It’s all in the delivery

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Because they’re good at it.

AD/BC

I told him, "That makes two of us".

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." "Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.

I will find you, I have contacts!

Cause they’re extinct

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.

It’s currently half empty.

A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.

Because they take things literally.

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together

It’s currently half empty…

I would probably only drive it from time to time.