Kentucky is the 48th poorest but that’s just semantics
Australians dont reproduce
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
Thanks i hate the six different quarks
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
You got this, right?
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
Selfie Bad, Photo Good
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
Who needs equipments when you can get hero tag?
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The Goji Apparatus
A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
just popping out to say hello
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Seen this beauty at Walmart
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Good guy macrophages.
Friend’s mom posted this on fb
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
It do be like that tho
war never changes
I can’t even
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Your behaviour must be significantly different
Is this some sort of braces joke that I’m too zen to understand?
I though it would be easy
A wolf in…an ill-fitting suit.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
No no covid
My aunt’s post. Translated to english (re-upload)
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
Tasers are next
Didn’t see that one coming
This made me eyeroll hard
I might destroy this man’s career…
Well, well, well. How the turntables.
Now i wanna know what the fuck owner looks like
funny how that works [OC]
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
Corona bad, husband WORSE
Send carrier pigeons pls
BUt nEw yOrK aNd CaLiForNia!
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
Senior Catch-22 Engineer
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I think we all know the answer.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
True Fact. every windows 10 user will understand
Some professional variables
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.