Kentucky Voters last night.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought…
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.