Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
If money doesn’t grow on tree’s….
Then why do banks have so many branches?
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag…
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. – Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think." Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter… but I like the way you think!!!"
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
