Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
But then it grew on me
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
He got hammered
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
But ive choked a few cougars.
They’re hill areas.
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
Then why do banks have so many branches?
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
but it's literally 50%
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
It’s over easy
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
To cover its butt-quack.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. – Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think." Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter… but I like the way you think!!!"
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
How mean is that ?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
The Fast and the Fuherous.
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation