Ketchup in the eyes
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely. Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
So a girl comes in late to class…
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.