Keyboard warrior potus
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
https://ift.tt/348hPT8
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.