Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
The bed might be easier though.
People were lined up for blocks
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
sadly none of them work.
What a strange way to start a conversation
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
Can't wait for the SQL.
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime
That way I can set my own hours.
A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:
“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed” The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner. That evening her date had arrived but was shocked when she opened the door to find a gentleman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. She said to him “I don’t understand you said you would be perfect for me”. He replied “well I have no arms, so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t chase you around town. She stuttered and said “yes but I also wanted somebody who’s good in bed” … he winked and said “I rang the doorbell didn’t I”.
A below job
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
…if you haven’t botany
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.