I think I'll pass.
Mobile apps bad
Drunk wife sassy
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
Time Magazine’s new cover
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
Fun part of Software Engineering classes
It’s like a very, very very bad dream now… …..
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner…
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
English Fail in Programming
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
Blame it on the rich
Front End vs Back End
Ah yes, that was in my English book.
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
It’s Christmas already?
GOPed up logic
Black holes aren’t black so stop being racist
Very well said
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
Found on a news article about the best self-isolation memes
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
My school is anime and programing friendly
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Gotta keep a clear head
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
Journalist on the war in Afghanistan
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
Ant story 21!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Keeping the powder dry
I just keep thinking everything’s a trick question
Found on facebook
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
No, I don’t think he will…
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
The complexities of a shitpost.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
the main thing is that it works properly
He’s just a covfefe parrot
Ai is not destroying humanity.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Newton would be proud
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"