Kids an Animals must have some 6th sense
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.” The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died. “Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me! Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died. “Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.