Kids and their challenges >:(
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room