Kids are rude and phones are bad…LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
Today my daughter told me “Dad, your jokes are bad”
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
Two Watt Bulbs
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
I’ve just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
What’s the definition of irony?
My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.