Kids nowdays
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child…
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found