Kids only care about Netflix
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
