Kids r so annoying
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
![[OC] Guess the Pun #54](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-112-400x247.png)
I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-400x674.png)
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
