kIdS tHeSe dAyz
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear…this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants…." "Oh, Sister…!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!" One of my favorite jokes
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
What’s the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
