Kill Ill
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
Itβs currently half empty.
you donβt grate cheese here… you shReddit
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A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Dad: Son, you’re adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- itβs got the most stories πππ
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out heβs a web designer.
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they canβt keep a straight face.
A Canadian..
Can't.
Robber ties up guy and a girl
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, βThe first one who can use the words βliverβ and βcheeseβ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.β The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says βI love liver and cheese.β βOh, how childish,β said the Poodle, βThat shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.β She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said βHow well can you do?β βUmmmm…I HATE liver and cheese,β blurts the Golden Retriever. βMy, my,β said the Poodle, βI guess itβs hopeless. Thatβs just as dumb as the Labβs sentence.β She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, βHow about you, little guy?β The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, βLiver alone, cheese mine."
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, βI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, βEver since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you βdid' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you βdid not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you βdo' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you βdo not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillowβ¦ Love, Mom.ο»Ώ
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, Iβd get rid of the 800m. Itβs too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
The doctor told me Iβm colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
