Kill in army good video games bad
Yes programmers run too.
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
Young people bad.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
Mass Extinction has arrived
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
Those damn integrals
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
The economy is doing great
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
Umbrellas = Slavery
Spent $400 on a limo, but I didn’t get a driver for it.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Why you do this Google?
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
Gotta love the conservative mindset
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
Get yourself a red nose
Probably the most accurate tweet in the history of twitter
oops! all atoms!
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
180 ° C is the perfect temperature for making popcorn.
I think it works here too
For nearly a year I have been investing heavily in stocks
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
Mr. Steal yo job, coming to where a co-worker was last week…
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
Phones bad, millennials bad, bonus: happy boomer (good)
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody walk over you.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Boomer on FB with some words of wisdom
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
My friend’s wife of 7 years found this in their mailbox today
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Was it consensual though???
What do you call baby dumps?
What’s your policy on code-reuse?
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
We’ll add these next sprint 🙈
What do you call a chubby midget?
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
When you have a car full of drugs and you get stopped by the police…
My captcha be asking personal questions.
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Video posted in comments
F for James
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Wish I was young again
Pedro and Juanita
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
Easiest to find, hardest to fix
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
some capitalistic humour
Got some paper towel rolls?
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.