Kinda funny though, I laughed.
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
![days since last timezone issue [fixed]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/uq0eqz7yvf141-400x400.jpg)
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
