King Dumbald’s Aims and Promises
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
I gave him a glass of water.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
He misses you
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Then I realized battery not included
They were Stalin.
Because they lactose
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
They jacques off
If you can’t come let me know.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
To get to the other side.
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Talk about head over heels!
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
They’re always assembling