King of the hill
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
Whats the best pickup line?
A fishing pole
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.
Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to feed a family. "Would you look at the size of that Fucker!" he exclaims, startling the second priest. "Hey, you can't talk like that; you're a man of the cloth. I'm a man of the cloth!" Says the second priest, scandalised. The first priest raises his hands in a calming gesture "It's ok my good fellow, that's the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." After breathing a sigh of relief, the second priest is able to appreciate the fish a bit more. "Why don't we cook it for our dinner with the His Holiness the Pope tonight" he says. The first priest agrees, and they go their separate ways, the first priest to return their boat and the second to deliver the fish into the Vatican. Priest number two lobs up at the convent and knocks at the door, a sister answers and he proudly shows her the fish. "Could the mother superior cook this Fucker for our dinner with His Holiness the Pope?" He asks. Scandalising the poor sister. "You can't talk like that!" she says "You're a man of the cloth. I'm a woman of the cloth". "Fret not, dear sister" the priest says "that is the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish." Mollified the nun agrees to prepare the fish for the mother superior to cook. She scales and guts the fish and then calls on the mother superior. "Mother, I have prepared this Fucker so that you may cook it for our dinner tonight with His Holiness the Pope". Mum superior nearly has a heart attack. "My child" she shrieks "We are women of the cloth. You cannot use such language!" The nun placates the mother by explaining that the fish is an Italian Fucker Fish. And, so assured, she agrees to cook the fish for their dinner with His Holiness. Later that night both Priests, the Nun and the Mother Superior are at dinner with His Holiness the Pope. They remove the silver cover from their meal and serve the fish. The Pope takes a few bites and a sip of wine and states "This fish is fantastic, practically divine" "I caught the Fucker." Says the first priest. "Well I brought the Fucker into the city." Says the second. "I scaled and gutted the Fucker." Says the nun. "And I cooked the Fucker." Says the mother superior. His Holiness takes a look around the table, takes another sip of his wine and says "You know what? You cunts are alright!"
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.