Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.