Knock Knock
"Who is there?"
"Grandma!"
"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
