Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
Whatβs the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
What nationality is Santa?
North Polish.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, βIβm on the 7th hole, and youβre a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.β He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, βIβm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.β Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, βLet me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.β He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, βIf I told you, you would only laugh.β βNo, I wouldnβt,β he said. She said, βI sell tampons.β With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, βSee, I knew you would laugh.β βThatβs not what Iβm laughing at,β he replied. βIβm a toilet paper salesman, so Iβm STILL one hole behind you!β
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
βSon, I bet you canβt wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!β The private emphatically replies, βNo sir! Once I get out of the army Iβm never gonna stand in line again. β
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who wonβt boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocadoβs number
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Iβve made a website for depressed tennis playersβ¦
The servers are currently down…
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I canβt see it taking off.
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him