Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillippe Phillop.
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
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I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.