“Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Norway” “Norway who?”
"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
He was loafing around.
Which was owned by William Shakespeare Since he chewed it now I can't say if it is 2B or not 2B
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
But none of them work.
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Ahhh, those were the days.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I have a complex complex complex
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
I can also tell if they are standing.
It’s a small scale operation.
She's my cross aunt.
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
…but I don’t believe him…
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.