Knock knock. Who’s there? Shout. Shout who?
WHO!!
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
