Knock knock
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Grandad
QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
An old man is selling watermelons…
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
