Knock them down
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.