Knot
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
The World’s Greatest Gambler
A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney. The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you come into possession of this money?” The man responds “I am the world’s greatest gambler, and I can prove it.” “Is that so?” The judge asks incredulously “Here, I’ll show you… I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.” “Okay, go for it.” The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, he’s not sold. “That’s a good trick, but I’m not sure that makes you the world’s greatest gambler.” “Alright… Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.” The judge reads the man’s face, and can clearly see that he’s not blind. He takes the offer… The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again “How about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.” Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom… But we’re talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides there’s no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesn’t even come close to making it. The judge exclaims “Yes!” The man’s lawyer shouts “No!” And covers his face with his hands. The judge asks “Wait, what’s wrong?” The lawyer says “He bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.