Knot
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What’s wrong?”
The boy says, "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
