Knot
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
The ultimate Dad Joke – Bulgarian Train Man
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?
2B or not 2B
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
Where does the know-it-all get their water?
From the well, actually.
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
