Know the differences
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero