Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
He’s now Aware Wolf
There’s no going back now…
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
There could be salad dressing in there.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
It received two consecutive sentences.
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
She looked surprised.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
They give it two test tickles.
She seemed surprised…
but no one will do it
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
He is disqualified.
No text found
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.