Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
I’m on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
Just got my daughter
My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. "Daddy, the film is frozen." I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana." I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
What is the benefit of living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
How do you avoid clickbait?
No text found
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
Thor doesn’t get drunk…
He gets hammered.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Yo momma is so vegan and fat…
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.