Knowledge should be free
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Because curiosity killed them all.
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
The letter G
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
They all have their faults.
He always finds them funny
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
because it was soda-pressing!
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
The hip replacement guy!
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
They're both cauldron.
ME: Through the glass bit
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
At the drop of a hat!
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Its days are numbered.