Konald K. Krump
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not