Krillarious Buoys
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him โI donโt. But i guana learn somedayโ
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
Whatโs the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes โWHACKโ , โah shitโ. A bad skydiver goes โah shitโ , โWHACKโ
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
I yelled, โCOW!โ at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
According to my wife, I’m a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
No text found
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
Iโm an eighth-theist
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
I just found an origami porn site…
… but itโs paper view only.
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmesโ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
โWhy, thatโs a lemon tree, my dear Watson.โ
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says โI can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!โ The first dinosaur says โI want a big piece of juicy meat!โ And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says โI want a meat shower!โ And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says โI want a meatier shower!โ Edit: Thanks for the silver!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)