L-mayo 😂 comedy gold 👌
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Women’s Friends Vs. Men’s Friends
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.