L0L
My sword doesn’t weigh much
It’s my light saber
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working?
The pupils. They dilate
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
Are my testicles black
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board