Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
The odds were against me.
Because Monday is a weekday…
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
So we can think about a solution in silence.
…but it was fired.
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
You use spring water.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
I just think he's mean
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
Ernie: Sure Bert!
I’d have to legally change my name.
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
Texas Instruments of Torture.
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.