Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
Two antennas got married last weekend
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
