Lady checking ppl’s temperatire with her palm …on r/facepalm
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Because he was 2 BC.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
He sold his soul to Santa.
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
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It went back for seconds
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
Because they make up literally everything.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
Homo Loan 2
…has only made me stronger.
It's something I can see myself doing.
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Because he could not see that well.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
Runs until Friday.